I knew the day was approaching, my brother finally gave up sobriety and left for good
chose drugs over his family
so now its just the three of us.
I need to vent a little
so two nights ago I came into my kitchen and my brother says " I fucked up"
he did heroin. or coke. whatever besides the point
so hes going to detox at home again
but this time he isn't allowed back in sober living so he has nowhere to go
the next morning I woke up he was screaming on my deck
crying the whole shabang
so I went outside he smoked a cigarette we said nothing
I consider these our last moments together that's why I'm over analyzing
for some reason I just couldn't stop crying that day
I knew it had to be something else
so I went to my friends house, then slept over at my other friends house
woke up started walking home
then i called my mom. She told me he had left for good, and he can't stay clean anymore what can I do. I sat at the bottom of my hill and cried a bit.. OK sobbed for 30minutes and at least 3 of my neighbors drove down pretended not to see me.
they probably assumed my parents beat me or something lol why does everyone on this block think I have such shit parents? fuck. anyways these two nice ladies came and comforted me for a while and one told me "when you get home, picture him, and send him love. It will travel to him"
this sounds kinda stupid now, but it really helped me
I came home my mom started crying lala I cried all day... napped.... showered...cried... ate...cried
and now I have come to the conclusion there is nothing I can do I can live as a only child whats three more years gonna hurt?
my parents are devastated and I don't know what to tell them. They think hes coming back.. hah
why does this shit happen at the least convenient times
relapsed my birthday
relapsed finals week
relapsed week before school
fucking same shit all the fucking time
but I'm glad its over
I don't even know why I'm fucking typing this on a blog, my hand gets cramps if i wrote it down on paper
I have to tell my friends now
they always push for me to help my brother
they don't understand at all
maybe I should just tell them he died
cause that's whats gonna happen
lets pray for a suicide
for now I just have to smile through my own personal hell
fuck I wish my parents weren't so disappointed
and now I can't even go back to school shopping cause my parents have to work
i decided to start wearing foundation, big step for me
i had to see my brother yesterday 84R084R80RCDSOBVSUD awkward silences
and my friend has been pushing for us to have a relationship of somesorts cause she thinks if were friends he'll want to stay off heroin. But I don't know how to talk to him. its hard to see somebody you loved ruining there lives.
but I don't even know how i feel about him anymore.
maybe I'm PMSing, but its nice to get my mind off my stupid brother since his relapse
I've been just...relaxing, hangingout with friends what have you