Tuesday, August 12, 2008

well the day has come

I knew the day was approaching, my brother finally gave up sobriety and left for good 
chose drugs over his family 
so now its just the three of us. 
I need to vent a little 
so two nights ago I came into my kitchen and my brother says " I fucked up" 
he did heroin. or coke. whatever besides the point
so hes going to detox at home again 
but this time he isn't allowed back in sober living so he has nowhere to go 
the next morning I woke up he was screaming on my deck 
crying the whole shabang 
so I went outside he smoked a cigarette we said nothing 
I consider these our last moments together that's why I'm over analyzing 
for some reason I just couldn't stop crying that day 
I knew it had to be something else 
so I went to my friends house, then slept over at my other friends house
woke up started walking home 
then i called my mom. She told me he had left for good, and he can't stay clean anymore what can I do. I sat at the bottom of my hill and cried a bit.. OK sobbed for 30minutes and at least 3 of my neighbors drove down pretended not to see me. 
they probably assumed my parents beat me or something lol why does everyone on this block think I have such shit parents? fuck. anyways these two nice ladies came and comforted me for a while and one told me "when you get home, picture him, and send him love. It will travel to him" 
this sounds kinda stupid now, but it really helped me 
I came home my mom started crying lala I cried all day... napped.... showered...cried... ate...cried 
and now I have come to the conclusion there is nothing I can do I can live as a only child whats three more years gonna hurt? 
my parents are devastated and I don't know what to tell them. They think hes coming back.. hah
why does this shit happen at the least convenient times 

relapsed my birthday 
relapsed finals week 
relapsed week before school 
fucking same shit all the fucking time 
but I'm glad its over 
I don't even know why I'm fucking typing this on a blog, my hand gets cramps if i wrote it down on paper
oh fuck 
I have to tell my friends now 
they always push for me to help my brother
they don't understand at all 
maybe I should just tell them he died 
cause that's whats gonna happen 
lets pray for a suicide 
for now I just have to smile through my own personal hell 

fuck I wish my parents weren't so disappointed 
and now I can't even go back to school shopping cause my parents have to work 
fuck my life 

this sounds hella over dramatic 
whatever I'm PMSing and my brothers gone

Monday, August 4, 2008

fuck I want this

so i cleaned out my closet and have about....no clothes
but whatever i want to start fresh 
I am allowed, 3 jeans, 3 tops, and 3 pairs of shoes 
so i must choose wisely 
and scarfs jewelery and shit 
but I really want this phone