makeup lookbook

so I have a new passion for makeup 

and I'm going to record some of my work 

lol i sound so lame

I'm really bad at it 

but I'm learning 

double fuck

i hate everyone 

but i like my new cardigan 

 I really just wanna get the fuck out CA. 

my moms in denmark for a week and I'm so codependant on her 

when she gets back my therapist wants to come in and talk to her 

I have so much shit just bottled up 

its hella unhealthy 

I need to vent

nobody reads this who gives a fuck 

i hate my friends, i hate my family, i hate myself, i hate spelling, i hate school 

this is pointless 

fuck

gaaa i need to stop being depressed

i always said i think cutting yourself is stupid l`allalla 

but its the only way i can be like calm 

well the day has come

I knew the day was approaching, my brother finally gave up sobriety and left for good 

chose drugs over his family 

so now its just the three of us. 

I need to vent a little 

so two nights ago I came into my kitchen and my brother says " I fucked up" 

he did heroin. or coke. whatever besides the point

so hes going to detox at home again 

but this time he isn't allowed back in sober living so he has nowhere to go 

the next morning I woke up he was screaming on my deck 

crying the whole shabang 

so I went outside he smoked a cigarette we said nothing 

I consider these our last moments together that's why I'm over analyzing 

for some reason I just couldn't stop crying that day 

I knew it had to be something else 

so I went to my friends house, then slept over at my other friends house

woke up started walking home 

then i called my mom. She told me he had left for good, and he can't stay clean anymore what can I do. I sat at the bottom of my hill and cried a bit.. OK sobbed for 30minutes and at least 3 of my neighbors drove down pretended not to see me. 

they probably assumed my parents beat me or something lol why does everyone on this block think I have such shit parents? fuck. anyways these two nice ladies came and comforted me for a while and one told me "when you get home, picture him, and send him love. It will travel to him" 

this sounds kinda stupid now, but it really helped me 

I came home my mom started crying lala I cried all day... napped.... showered...cried... ate...cried 

and now I have come to the conclusion there is nothing I can do I can live as a only child whats three more years gonna hurt? 

my parents are devastated and I don't know what to tell them. They think hes coming back.. hah

why does this shit happen at the least convenient times 

relapsed my birthday 

relapsed finals week 

relapsed week before school 

fucking same shit all the fucking time 

but I'm glad its over 

I don't even know why I'm fucking typing this on a blog, my hand gets cramps if i wrote it down on paper

oh fuck 

I have to tell my friends now 

they always push for me to help my brother

they don't understand at all 

maybe I should just tell them he died 

cause that's whats gonna happen 

lets pray for a suicide 

for now I just have to smile through my own personal hell 

fuck I wish my parents weren't so disappointed 

and now I can't even go back to school shopping cause my parents have to work 

fuck my life 

this sounds hella over dramatic 

whatever I'm PMSing and my brothers gone

fuck I want this

so i cleaned out my closet and have about....no clothes

but whatever i want to start fresh 

I am allowed, 3 jeans, 3 tops, and 3 pairs of shoes 

so i must choose wisely 

and scarfs jewelery and shit 

but I really want this phone

yuss internets back

sucess

hmm well whats been up 

the usual hangingout whatever

my skin sucks 

my friend gave me hella foundation 

i got I.D. bare minerals 

and some mac foundation, perfume 

the MAC made me breakout 

and the bare minerals makes me look like i have skin colored chalk on my face 

anybody recomend good foundation out there? 

back to school shopping

another list.. 

I decided to be ORGANIZED for the first time in my life 

so I want pencils in what not..in  A POUCH yeah big deal for me 

paper, binder, sharpener, glue all that jazz. .

and on to 

CLOTHING

_________

1 pair of good fitting jeans 

1 good sweatshirt 

1 pair of slippers, new shoes 

shirts and dresses

hmm thats all i have so far i need to think this over..